Moleman's Epic Rap Battles 38: Eric Cartman Vs Porky Minch
by MolemanNineThousand
Summary: Respect the authority of these emcees; they mean business. See the VIDEO at: /watch?v M5d9xtMdobk


**VIDEO:** watch?v=M5d9xtMdobk

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 **MOLEMAN'S EPIC RAP BATTLES!**

 **PORKY MINCH…**

 **…VS…**

 **…ERIC CARTMAN!**

 **BEGIN!**

 **Eric Cartman:**  
Listen up, you worthless sack of protoplasm; here's the deal:  
I've utter faith that I'll one-up you, and go platinum for real!  
You're an evasive little pussy; I'm a doer, dropping bombs:  
I'll whoop your ass a hundred times worse than that bitch you call your mom!  
The Triple-K Grand Wizard's here to stick a thousand truths to y'all;  
Imagining won't be required to make you suck my salty balls!  
Just ask Saddam Hussein: my shocking words are verbal PK Thunder!  
Come on down to South Park? You're gonna have a bad time, _Mother_ -fucker!

 **Porky Minch:**  
Here's an eight-part melody of _hate_ , you cardboard-cutout brat:  
Abort your efforts like the spawn of your Satanic Rankin/Bass,  
For I ain't cynical in saying that all I hear from you is crap;  
If thunder's what you're spitting, you can call these raps my Franklin Badge!  
A bigger pain inside your ass than a visit from aliens,  
So shut your mouth before I open it like a Canadian's!  
Make Minchmeat out of me? You're Ando _nuts_ if you think you could manage,  
So buzz off, lest you be bitch-smacked with a " _SMAAAASH!_ " for mortal damage!

 **Eric Cartman:**  
That verse stunk worse than Eagleland's advertisements for your game;  
Methinks the lines lost something in translation, kind of like your _name_!  
This ain't your sanctuary, Pokey, and you'd best start running home,  
'Cause pissing me off's poorly-thought-out as the schemes of undie-gnomes!

 **Porky Minch:**  
You're full of Poo, and no prince, either; more akin to Mr. Hankey.  
Wrecking you rivals your mother, it's so easy; _spanky-spanky_!  
I've rolled with blue-power groups, but they at least didn't worship _Hitler_!  
You resent being labelled "fat", yet truly, your bone couldn't be _littler_.

 **Eric Cartman:**  
 _I HAVE FUCKING HAD IT WITH YOUR SHIT_! Cartman means business, buddy:  
I'll make you crap in your pants, and not as fear's byproduct, either,  
Grind and cook your body up, á la Shakespeare at his most bloody,  
And feed you to your own brother; I hear he's no Picky eater.  
 _EarthBound_? Trust me: you'd be _Hell_ Bound, even if you were a Mormon;  
You'll be finished by the count of Onett, Twoson, Threed, you whoreson!  
I'm school's bottom-one-percent, but first in lyric-busting class,  
So take your disses, make like Mr. Slave, and _shove them up your ass_!

 **Porky Minch:**  
Well, let's be honest: we're _both_ corpulent, cruel creeps. Indeed, this match  
Is like the Special Olympics: in _either_ race, you finish last,  
And you owe more to status quo than any boy band's debts, you freak;  
Got the Ass-Burgers beaten out you by a girl, you're so damn weak!  
Moonside's the _only_ place I'd answer your dictations with a "yes";  
I'm flowing with mach-speed delivery: Escargo Express-esque,  
And that two-hundredth episode got screwed by Islamistic pressure,  
But your fat face is the blasphemy they _really_ ought to censor!

 **Eric Cartman:**  
I take back that "whoreson" line; I really meant: _Streisand_ -begotten!  
Man, I'll make a jackass of you swiftly as I did Bin Laden.  
You seem pretty rich; your neighbors owe your folks a pretty penny,  
But as rhyming skills go, your worth's pretty much on par with Kenny's!  
 **Kenny:** Hey man, leave me out of this, yo- _(*Explodes for no reason*)_  
 **Cartman:** Rats; that was inexplicable.  
Your death, though, will be no shock; they'll say:  
 **Kyle:** Meh; that was predictable…  
 **Cartman:** You'll stop right in your tracks, but not to pose saying "fuzzy pickles",  
Once my insults blow up in your face like bottle rocket missiles!

 **Porky Minch:**  
You put on a less appealing act than Butters' wack tap dancing;  
Only half-ginger, yet of a soul, you haven't _any_ fraction!  
That'll make it all the easier to leave naught of you remaining,  
When I send your mind and body into Mu, and not as training!

 **Eric Cartman:**  
Well, I'll tear into you 'til you can't stop crying bloody murder,  
Then get drunk upon your tears as if my name was Mason Verger.  
Go pig out on some fly honey, barf-head, 'cause it's plain to see  
That I could beat you with one hand behind my back; J. Lo agrees!

 **Porky Minch:**  
You lived through getting thrown beneath the bus, but listen here, M'kay:  
You'll be gone sooner than a hundred bucks in the investment fray!  
You wanna Brawl with Porky? Better be prepared for consequences,  
For I need no Mr. Saturn to break right through your defenses…  
 **Mr. Saturn:** _ZOOM, BOING!_  
 **Porky:** …Behold: I'm sporting heavy arms to heavy metal,  
With an evil power on my side, though not _your_ faggot devil.  
Welcome to the womb of woe, wherein awaits your final fight;  
You can consider yourself dead, and it's too late to make it right!

 **Mysterion:** The evil in Minch's heart can be allowed to run rampant no longer, lest the great darkness he has awakened consume all of us. I, Mysterion, must intervene and- _GAH_! _(*Pushed off rooftop to his death*)_

 **The Coon:**  
What are you, some future-wetback, trying to take my job away?  
Well, I'm the _only_ Chosen One who'll whack this pasty snob today!  
Yes, it is I, the Coon, and I'll be giving you my autograph,  
In claw-marks on your face through this barrage of my full-throttle wrath!

 **Porky Minch:**  
Boy, I'll drop you as hard as your own lame league! Props, though, on those garments:  
The costume's spot-on; looks just as if you found it in the garbage.  
Not-so-devious raccoon-ass; you should take a page from Sly,  
Because I mean business for realsies, and I'm _not_ your buddy, guy!

 **The Coon:**  
Here's some enlightenment, you rotten apple: you're as good as toast!  
I'll go BP on you: drill through your brains, and that'll be all, folks;  
Don't need my so-called "Friends" to burst your ego _and_ your cockpit bubble!  
Crossing me was where you fucked up; there, Hindsight: saved you some trouble.

 **Porky Minch:**  
What a waste of bars that was; still think you'll pull through all of this?  
It's hard believing you believe that; you're like Scientologists!  
You long-since butchered Clyde and pals, but playtime's _really_ over now;  
When I switch off this clunker's power, watch another _surge_ , _and how_ …

 **Giygas:**  
Eric, Eric, Eric… wanna war against Giygas on mics?  
Bitch, please; I outdo both Mewtwo _and_ the Empire at counter-strikes!  
A psychic psycho mama's boy who puts ol' Norman Bates to shame,  
This otherworldly foe who'll cancel you for good ain't turning tame!  
Chaos incarnate, I'm one far-off cry from that "Professor" whelp;  
Send out a prayer? I'd like to see you try; they'll say:  
 **Kyle:** Go fuck yourself!  
 **Giygas:** The truth is crystal-clear, and unlike these backgrounds, I won't distort it:  
If you fought my fetus, even _then_ , I'd see your life aborted!  
From one moviegoing misstep, to Itoi's nightmares, to yours,  
To hippies, trees and traffic signs, my darkness spreads 'til all's absorbed,  
And though my mind is shattered, you _remain_ the bigger idiot:  
Forget the form of my attack; you can't grasp how to flow for shit!

 **The Coon:**  
Come on; your bluffing's just like rape, 'cause none of it is getting past me!  
…That being said, Minch, I'll admit that your new friend is rather ghastly,  
But if "happy"'s how he's feeling, I won't let that stay for long…  
 _Hey, C-Man, that red swirly guy's been talking shit about your mom_!

 **Cthulhu:**  
 _WHAT_ ; who dares blaspheme against the Blasphemy from which I spawned?!  
I'm waking up to Call this fool out; screw it if the stars are wrong!  
You puny Geek; didn't my cultists lay out what'll happen to you,  
When straight outta R'lyeh, comes the eldritch mind-fucker, Cthulhu?  
H. P. made me, but the rhymes I craft for you comprise pure hate:  
You'll _wish_ that I had simply eaten you, so grim will be your fate!  
You're but a flower to me, and like that weird tale, I'll put you under;  
Wouldn't dream of losing in a vigintillion years of slumber!  
Watch me wreck your base to sounds of Starmen's screams and toppled stones;  
I'm laying down more maddening words than any A. A.-authored tome!  
Your grave's been dug, and it's a Deep One, like my pals in Dagon's Order;  
I'll smash you between my palms, and label you _The Sandwiched Horror_.

 **Giygas:**  
Oh, get real, you overrated, mythos-title-hogging hack;  
My unreal skills will burst your brains so bad, this time they won't grow back!  
Derleth need not be at the helm for your defeat to be achievable:  
You're just a big ol' squid; my cosmic terror is unspeakable!

 **Cthulhu:**  
 _Cthulhu fm'latgh hlirgh_! You really _have_ destroyed your mind;  
Even against my _Grim Adventures_ version, still you'd Trail behind!  
We both know well that one immortal's life ends only by another,  
And between us, there can be but one, so _come and get me, sucker_!

 _(*The two monsters clash; vision is engulfed by a massive, blinding burst of energetic light*)_

 **Porky Minch:**  
… _Dang_! It seems that either beast has dealt the other fatal wounds;  
Convenient, really… Now, although I'd love to stay and seal your doom,  
I've even bigger fish to fry than any Great Old One, and thus,  
I leave you in the present, heading off to cause far-future-fuss…

 **Eric Cartman:**  
Oh, don't you try to exit-stage-left on me, coward; I've got more to say:  
This battle won't be done 'til _all_ respect my rap-authority!  
My win can't wait, and so into deep-freezing I retire,  
Chilling out for now, but come my waking, I'll be spitting fire…

…

…And, like Buck Rogers, the Time Child emerges from his frigid capsule  
To engage his rival once more; now, where is that little rascal?  
…Ah, you're right in front of me; get ready for round 2.0,  
Because I'm back to- …holy David Blaine, have you let yourself go!

 **Porky Minch:**  
So, you've come here through space and time pursuing unfounded revenge, kid?  
Oh my God; you're killing me with your sheer arrogance, you bastard!  
Though you deemed your trip to Casa B. as worth its consequences,  
I'll see to it you regret this; welcome to your final chapter!  
I'm a king, with a utopian empire in my name;  
The dopest Pig-Mask master since Jigsaw, I play the conquest game!  
Just ask Fassad: my forces _trump_ foes! Know your heart will break and rend,  
But don't you dare start tearing up just yet; _no crying until the end_.

 **Eric Cartman:**  
How can you call this a utopia?! There's too many damn minorities;  
You're King of _Nowhere_ : how's that for a title of authority?  
There'll be no safety from the PK _Hate_ I'm launching at you:  
Bomb-ass lyrics sick enough to topple even your wack statue!  
Get up out of bed and fight me; you look like you're from _Akira_ ,  
But I needn't follow suit and be a blob to fuck your rear up!  
With or without godless otters, I bust triple-A-grade verses;  
Your delivery's as mechanical as your robot-selves: nerveless!

 **Porky Minch:**  
Man, I'm pulling all the stops out; time to get apocalyptic:  
In contrast to _Mother 3_ 's end, your demise will be _explicit_!  
No chimera'll be required to see you instantly defeated,  
So naturally, take after my Killer Cyborg's theme, and _Beat It_!

 **Eric Cartman:**  
I'll strike you in combos to these beats; unravel master plans!  
You won't get far with me; your game couldn't even travel past Japan,  
And I'll downsize you like its move from 64 to GBA  
With words so Negative, they'll leave self-pitying ones all you can say!

 **Porky Minch:**  
Al Gore warned you of Manbearpig, and he was two-thirds-way correct:  
I'll roast you like a lil' marshmallow; snap your nonexistent neck,  
You dumb, malformed Ape! Saying you'd bring me down, you couldn't have been more wrong:  
King P'll drop you from a hundred-story building; call you Kong!  
My brittle, bed-bound body's broken after countless trips through time,  
Yet I remain a towering force in terms of loosing thunderous rhymes!  
Your fatty blood's unfit for spilling on my spider-legs, you schmuck;  
I thusly let the Parka Man end this…  
 **Kenny:** Wait, Cartman?! What the fu- _(*Multiple gunshots*)_  
 **Porky:** _Gah_! My hit points fall toward zero, and I'm slowly losing breath,  
But I've still one last trick, so don't get your hopes up on seeing my death,  
For if you'd take sick joy in doing so, I'll keep you from that pleasure,  
Even if it means my being deprived of this world's light forever…  
 _(*Absolutely Safe Capsule activates*)_

 **Eric Cartman:**  
 _Ha_ ; Guess I didn't need Cthulhu to leave you in dark oblivion!  
Hell, I'd take Ensenada over what you'll now be living in,  
And hence, our duel concludes: I stand victorious; you're boned,  
'Cause you just screwed yourself for good, and on that note, I'm going home…

…Wait a minute, my home doesn't exist anymore, and everyone I've ever known has been dead for centuries…

…AW, MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN COC-

 **WHO WON?**

 **WHO'S NEXT?**

 **I DECIDE!**

 **MOLEMAN'S EPIC RAP BATTLES!**


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